Excerpt from my journal, June 2023:
I was never romantic. Or maybe I thought I wasn’t because I had never felt any urge to put in that kind of effort. But then I met someone who ignited something in me. And suddenly, I want to curate for him playlists that capture through music every emotion he makes me feel. I want to write him poems and love letters. I want to learn how to communicate in healthy ways so that he’ll never know the stress of having to figure me out. He makes me want to fall in love and do it properly.
Maybe we’ll never see each other again, and the magic of our moments together will fade as we start new lives thousands of miles apart. Maybe soon we’ll mean nothing more to each other than a short-lived collection of fond memories. Is that what I should prepare for to protect my own heart? Or should I let myself dare to hope that this is only the start of a grander story waiting to unfold?
If I have to stop caring about him someday, I can do that. He’s just some guy, after all. But maybe I don’t want to reject or sabotage a good thing just because I’m scared of it falling apart. So I’ll let him keep a piece of my heart, and he’s free to do what he wants with it. Because it’s not about placing any expectations on this, but rather cherishing what it’s meant to me. Even if I get hurt, it will have been worth the adventure.
Excerpt from my journal, August 2023:
This beautiful soul is my boyfriend now, but I keep fearing I’m going to get hurt. I can already feel the temptation to detach in preparation for it. Maybe I just care so much for him that I need to trick myself into not caring. Maybe, as much as I want this love, it’s just too scary for me to handle.
I want to put in the work to be healthy. But right now, I don’t know if I can do it. Still, I won’t forgive myself if I neglect to try. I can’t sabotage this. I don’t want to. It’s too late anyway. Even if I sabotage this relationship, it’ll hurt beyond my control. Why should I stop myself from flourishing in love? You have to risk losing big to gain big.
To be in love is to gamble with not just your heart, but your pride. He has the power to make a fool out of me. I trust him completely, but the reality is: I can never know for certain whether someone will hurt me. I just have to accept the uncertainties of life and choose to proceed regardless — or else is anything really worth living for?
Letters from my mailbox:
Excerpt from my journal, March 2024:
I am so helpless in love. It makes me weak and holds too much power over everything I feel and do. Ugh, I feel silly. He’s demonstrated his love and care a million different ways: in letters, in texts, and in the tone of his voice. In little surprise deliveries, in his dedication to making time for me, and in the way he validates my every emotion. So when will I let myself feel secure in what we have?
Now that I’m no longer oblivious to your existence, my heart is beholden to you. Sometimes I almost resent it — not you, but the distance and the circumstances. Still, I could never wish this away. I could never wish you away. I do wish I weren’t continually taunted by the promise of your presence only for it to remain just out of reach. I can’t wait for the transitions to end, for the day we finally get to share a life together. It’s what gets me through the yearning.
Excerpt from my journal, July 2024:
A love like ours is beautifully rare, but maybe you’ll have to figure that out for yourself. If you think all of this is worth giving up for the possibility of finding something better, then perhaps nothing will ever be enough for you.
Maybe you will find an even better love out there. Or maybe you’ll spend the rest of your life missing what we had. You won’t know until after you make a life-changing decision. But if the possibility of finding better is so tempting that it’s worth losing me forever, then I’m not the right person for you anyway. You’ll have to decide what is scarier: a lifetime with me or a lifetime without me?
I want to keep falling deeper in love with you, even when you push me away. But there’s only so much my heart can take before it breaks.
Excerpt from my journal, June 2025:
I just don’t feel very connected with you anymore and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m tired of being in this relationship essentially with myself. I don’t know how to keep this going anymore.
Frankly, you deserve to be with someone you’re excited about, just like I deserve to be with someone who’s excited about me. And if this isn’t going to work then it’s not going to work. I won’t take it personally.
Excerpt from my journal, April 2026:
All the love I poured into you is yours to keep. You taught me how to grow into myself in a relationship, how to love with intention for the first time in my life. We didn’t last, but we didn’t have to. We simply finished the roles we were meant to play in each other’s lives.
I learned so much from you, from us, and I will be better off for it. I know you will, too. We were right for each other for a time, but we were never each other’s forever person. I realize that now.
I would’ve easily loved you forever had you chosen me. But each time you hurt me, the butterflies in my tummy faded a bit more as I tried to care less, until my feelings for you were so suppressed that nothing you did disappointed (or excited) me anymore.
The right person for me would never make me feel so lonely and unsure in love. My person would made me feel cherished and wholeheartedly chosen. And I’d rather risk never finding that person than commit to somebody who can’t reciprocate.
I’m not mad at you for not choosing me. I just want the best for both of us. And I’m glad I walked away before I let this drag on long enough for resentment to forever corrupt the beautiful memories we made. This way, I can still be grateful for the way you rocked my world once upon a time.
Excerpt from my journal, May 2026:
I had been so focused on simply winning you over that I wasn’t observing the reality around me. Maybe I saw you as a challenge, a project.
What I didn’t see was your demonstrated lack of respect and care for me — until that weekend made things so clear-cut that I couldn’t keep convincing myself you were the kind of partner I had built you up to be.
The kind of love I thought we shared existed only in my head. At last, I realized that if this is what it’s like to be “loved” by you, I don’t want it. I could no longer preserve the relationship because I had to preserve my dignity instead.
After all, you can’t love someone into loving you back. But at least I can walk away knowing I gave it my best shot. I loved you until there was nothing left.
