I haven’t been able to sleep. It seems that nearly every night, some deep sadness just envelops me and drives back the snug embrace of slumber. This used to occur only on occasion, but the past several weeks have seen the frequency of these episodes spike. I have my theories as to the potential source of all this random yet routine melancholy, but I’ll keep them to myself for now.
Last night was the worst it’s hit in months: after the initial stage of numb gloom, a wave of acute emotion finally came crashing. I then broke out in sobs punctuated throughout with stifled screams. It was a liberating ten minutes, though at the time I still felt trapped as ever in a cycle of inexplicable sorrow.
It was after my raw cry session ran its course, right around 4 a.m., that I decided I’ve had enough. I don’t want to be that pathetic self, laying idle in bed with nothing but tears to offer the world. I love myself, or the idea of myself, too much to be this utterly useless in charting the path of my own life.
For me, the most unbearable consequence of misery is its ability to drain me of all mental and emotional energy. I lose the motivation to lift even a limb, to begin the most basic of tasks. Being a naturally ambitious person, I’m most disappointed in myself when I’m not making productive use of my time. And you can bet my productivity levels plummet whenever I’m sucked into another dismal night.
So I kept my eyes shut for an hour and breathed, hoping (without fruition) to procure a precious hour of sleep before sunrise. I planned to wake at 5 a.m. and begin a new day the way I always wanted: with a morning jog in the placid hills nearby.
Dense fog blanketed the greenery as pale rays from a sleepy sun started to just pierce through. I spotted spiderwebs in every direction, still glistening with dew.
Maybe it’s the fresh country air that always manages to soothe my mental state, I don’t quite know. But I found myself exceptionally calm here in nature. Cheerful, even.
I think I’m going to take today by the horns. I’ve already gone on a light run and fixed myself a healthy breakfast, as well as poured my thoughts out into this outlet. Perhaps next I’ll take a short nap to counter the sleep deprivation that’s about to set in, but I’m feeling positive about the hours ahead. Time is invaluable, and I’m not wasting mine any longer.
